Surrender

"I love it! You're the bestest friend in the whole world." She screamed. I gifted her this book she'd been searching for, the first edition, I paid a lot for it but it was worth seeing her smile like that. She then kissed me before she left for her daily walk around the block after the cup of coffee and conversation we shared. I was her best friend. Only her best friend. Best FRIEND. She knew I existed, just not in that way. She doesn't even realize the implications of what she does to me, she has no idea, just living in her tiny bubble of oblivion. I wish I didn't know her, I really do wish I hated her. She just doesn't know that love has always been around the corner for her, I've been here, right here, waiting for her, waiting to hold her up again when she falls, be her crutch if she's hurt, but the tiny bubble of oblivion is pretty strong; I just wish she'd see love is right here, in me.

I could always tell her I loved her, you know? But what difference would that make? I'm not her type or her flavor. She's not open to me. But seeing her happy was my goal, so if I had to fake my happiness, I would, always, for her, anything a thousand times over, even if it meant hurting me and seeing her with someone else who just isn't right for her. Someone who doesn't know her. Someone who can't hear her. Someone who's not me. "I wish you were someone else, you know? It'd be so much easier." Like it is ever so god-damn complicated. It is not complicated, it's quite simple actually; I'm serious, dead serious. It's not that hard, nothing is if you want to try it. It's right there, just take a bite right of it, if it's rotten, you spit it out, if not, you savor it till the last bite. Even if you spit it out, the fruit just never goes anywhere, it's still there rotting with you. So take a taste of me, it's not hard.

She should have known by now that I'm obsessed with her, no, not in a weird, creepy, stalker-ish way; fine, maybe a little like that. She's my flower in a field of weeds. My entire life has been about these random people who claim to know me, love me but it's not about them, it's about her, the one and only one, she's different and she doesn't get that. Que dois-je faire? WHAT am I to do? How am I supposed to make her see that I'm the one she's been waiting for, since forever now. She keeps looking in the wrong places. Love isn't hidden, it's there, take it however it is, before it's too late. I wish I had the nerve to ask her what her deal was. She made me, the complete love-hating, sappy song hating, pop-music hating, metal-head to a love deprived, attention craving, attention showering, nice-person. I am changed person now, sheesh!

She just needs too see, surrender herself to me, she'd have no worries, I'd be her mutant and forever would be still too little for everything.

"Surrender every word, every thought, every sound.

Surrender every touch, every smile, every frown.

Surrender all the pain we've endured until now.

Surrender all the hope that I have lost, you have found.

Surrender yourself to me."

And I would suggest listening to Surrender- Billy Talent, it's inspiration, honey! :)

Strawberry Fields Forever?

I hate how when you're with everyone you love, you're mind still wanders to another person. There's nothing to think about that person but thoughts still prevail. GRRR* And somehow I always end up hurting someone, always. And people think you're anti-social, whereas you're not really, you just don't feel like talking, to anyone. And Tarasha Gadhok isn't like this. She's the happy, nothing's-gonna-bring-her-down kinda person. She doesn't care about things like emotions or thoughts. She's free-willed and awesome. What is all this love-shove business? GRRR* I hate change. I despise it completely. Surprisingly, people didn't see the difference between want and need. HA! These incompetent humans! I will explain, someday, I promise I shall.

But things I've learned today.

a) Live music gets awesomer by the day.

b) Beer tastes better with friends. (and live music)

c) Putting your head outside the car, letting your hair getting messed and driving at a speed of 100 together is FUN!

d) Wishes don't always come true.

e) Best friends don't come and go. :)

f) Photographs are best when you don't pose. Or at least don't try to.

g) Sushi isn't great always. But chicken satay at Global Fusion is forever SEX!

h) Milkshakes at Bachelor's have gone to the dogs... One twenty fucking bucks for a chocolate milkshake! :O And it tasted like shit today! GRRR*

i) (Last one, I promise) Across The Universe is fuckingly brilliant, as is the music and direction. :)

Stone? HAH!

A phobia (fear or morbid fear) is an irrational, intense, persistent fear of certain situations, activities, things, or people. The main symptom of this disorder is the excessive, unreasonable desire to avoid the feared subject.

Acrophobia s an extreme or irrational fear of heights. It belongs to a category of specific phobias, called space and motion discomfort that share both similar etiology and options for treatment. Acrophobia can be dangerous, as sufferers can experience a panic attack in a high place and become too agitated to get themselves down safely.

Why am I posting about phobias? Acrophobia specifically? I have no idea. Maybe I do. Maybe I don't want to talk about it. It's not like anyone cares anyway. I'm just the butt of people's jokes. One person's misery is another's Comedy Central...

Ah, that was a good one Tarasha Gadhok, you should use that sometime. So yeah phobias. My unbelievably sexy psychology teacher says you have a phobia if you revolve your life around not having to meet your phobia. Though she says whatever she says is not god's gospel, this seems believable, right? I would know.

There are lots of words that I don't have in my dictionary (violence, social status, love [the non-platonic kind] etc.). I thought embarrassment was not a part of it either. Turns out, it is, a very BIG part. I thought that was one emotion I couldn't feel. Shame and embarrassment go hand in hand. And I'm not supposed to feel them. I'M JUST FUCKING NOT. I AM CONDITIONED TO NOT FEEL, ANYTHING OF THE SORT. I DON'T HAVE A HEART AND I'M OBNOXIOUS! PFFT! I DON'T HAVE EMOTIONS, REMEMBER? I'M THE GIRL WHO'S MADE OF STONE.