Under The Oak

If you know, at least a decent amount, you'd know I'm not too fond of poetry. (Yes, sorry to all my friends who write poems) I would never go out of my way to read one. But I was reading this book (My Sister's Keeper, finalement! Thank you, Rashmi) and there was this poem I couldn't help but google- Under The Oak- D.H Lawrence. It's beautiful! I think he's talking about how he should be admiring the beauty of nature, he's consumed by darkness and doesn't know how to enjoy, looks at things too sharply.

You, if you were sensible,
When I tell you the stars flash signals, each one dreadful,
You would not turn and answer me
"The night is wonderful."

Even you, if you knew
How this darkness soaks me through and through, and infuses
Unholy fear in my vapor, you would pause to distinguish
What hurts, from what amuses.

For I tell you
Beneath this powerful tree, my whole soul's fluid
Oozes away from me as a sacrifice steam
At the knife of a Druid.

Again I tell you, I bleed, I am bound with wit hies,
My life runs out.
I tell you my blood runs out on the floor of this oak,
Gout upon gout.

Above me springs the blood-born mistletoe
In the shady smoke.
But who are you, twittering to and fro
Beneath the oak?

What thing better are you, what worse?
What have you to do with the mysteries
Of this ancient place, of my ancient curse?
What place have you in my histories?

Surrender

"I love it! You're the bestest friend in the whole world." She screamed. I gifted her this book she'd been searching for, the first edition, I paid a lot for it but it was worth seeing her smile like that. She then kissed me before she left for her daily walk around the block after the cup of coffee and conversation we shared. I was her best friend. Only her best friend. Best FRIEND. She knew I existed, just not in that way. She doesn't even realize the implications of what she does to me, she has no idea, just living in her tiny bubble of oblivion. I wish I didn't know her, I really do wish I hated her. She just doesn't know that love has always been around the corner for her, I've been here, right here, waiting for her, waiting to hold her up again when she falls, be her crutch if she's hurt, but the tiny bubble of oblivion is pretty strong; I just wish she'd see love is right here, in me.

I could always tell her I loved her, you know? But what difference would that make? I'm not her type or her flavor. She's not open to me. But seeing her happy was my goal, so if I had to fake my happiness, I would, always, for her, anything a thousand times over, even if it meant hurting me and seeing her with someone else who just isn't right for her. Someone who doesn't know her. Someone who can't hear her. Someone who's not me. "I wish you were someone else, you know? It'd be so much easier." Like it is ever so god-damn complicated. It is not complicated, it's quite simple actually; I'm serious, dead serious. It's not that hard, nothing is if you want to try it. It's right there, just take a bite right of it, if it's rotten, you spit it out, if not, you savor it till the last bite. Even if you spit it out, the fruit just never goes anywhere, it's still there rotting with you. So take a taste of me, it's not hard.

She should have known by now that I'm obsessed with her, no, not in a weird, creepy, stalker-ish way; fine, maybe a little like that. She's my flower in a field of weeds. My entire life has been about these random people who claim to know me, love me but it's not about them, it's about her, the one and only one, she's different and she doesn't get that. Que dois-je faire? WHAT am I to do? How am I supposed to make her see that I'm the one she's been waiting for, since forever now. She keeps looking in the wrong places. Love isn't hidden, it's there, take it however it is, before it's too late. I wish I had the nerve to ask her what her deal was. She made me, the complete love-hating, sappy song hating, pop-music hating, metal-head to a love deprived, attention craving, attention showering, nice-person. I am changed person now, sheesh!

She just needs too see, surrender herself to me, she'd have no worries, I'd be her mutant and forever would be still too little for everything.

"Surrender every word, every thought, every sound.

Surrender every touch, every smile, every frown.

Surrender all the pain we've endured until now.

Surrender all the hope that I have lost, you have found.

Surrender yourself to me."

And I would suggest listening to Surrender- Billy Talent, it's inspiration, honey! :)

Strawberry Fields Forever?

I hate how when you're with everyone you love, you're mind still wanders to another person. There's nothing to think about that person but thoughts still prevail. GRRR* And somehow I always end up hurting someone, always. And people think you're anti-social, whereas you're not really, you just don't feel like talking, to anyone. And Tarasha Gadhok isn't like this. She's the happy, nothing's-gonna-bring-her-down kinda person. She doesn't care about things like emotions or thoughts. She's free-willed and awesome. What is all this love-shove business? GRRR* I hate change. I despise it completely. Surprisingly, people didn't see the difference between want and need. HA! These incompetent humans! I will explain, someday, I promise I shall.

But things I've learned today.

a) Live music gets awesomer by the day.

b) Beer tastes better with friends. (and live music)

c) Putting your head outside the car, letting your hair getting messed and driving at a speed of 100 together is FUN!

d) Wishes don't always come true.

e) Best friends don't come and go. :)

f) Photographs are best when you don't pose. Or at least don't try to.

g) Sushi isn't great always. But chicken satay at Global Fusion is forever SEX!

h) Milkshakes at Bachelor's have gone to the dogs... One twenty fucking bucks for a chocolate milkshake! :O And it tasted like shit today! GRRR*

i) (Last one, I promise) Across The Universe is fuckingly brilliant, as is the music and direction. :)

Stone? HAH!

A phobia (fear or morbid fear) is an irrational, intense, persistent fear of certain situations, activities, things, or people. The main symptom of this disorder is the excessive, unreasonable desire to avoid the feared subject.

Acrophobia s an extreme or irrational fear of heights. It belongs to a category of specific phobias, called space and motion discomfort that share both similar etiology and options for treatment. Acrophobia can be dangerous, as sufferers can experience a panic attack in a high place and become too agitated to get themselves down safely.

Why am I posting about phobias? Acrophobia specifically? I have no idea. Maybe I do. Maybe I don't want to talk about it. It's not like anyone cares anyway. I'm just the butt of people's jokes. One person's misery is another's Comedy Central...

Ah, that was a good one Tarasha Gadhok, you should use that sometime. So yeah phobias. My unbelievably sexy psychology teacher says you have a phobia if you revolve your life around not having to meet your phobia. Though she says whatever she says is not god's gospel, this seems believable, right? I would know.

There are lots of words that I don't have in my dictionary (violence, social status, love [the non-platonic kind] etc.). I thought embarrassment was not a part of it either. Turns out, it is, a very BIG part. I thought that was one emotion I couldn't feel. Shame and embarrassment go hand in hand. And I'm not supposed to feel them. I'M JUST FUCKING NOT. I AM CONDITIONED TO NOT FEEL, ANYTHING OF THE SORT. I DON'T HAVE A HEART AND I'M OBNOXIOUS! PFFT! I DON'T HAVE EMOTIONS, REMEMBER? I'M THE GIRL WHO'S MADE OF STONE.

INKED BABAAAAY!!!

EEEEEEEEEEEEE* I got inked! YAY! I got fucking inked (and I did not scream or run away scared)

FICTION FICTION FICTION! :O

"This is illegal" I exclaimed. "You're talking as if you've cared about rules." She replied. I opened my mouth to protest but her tongue was already discovering mine. She drove her fingers through my soft hair and I wanted to protest but resisting her was the problem. She was the most attractive thing I had seen. Just looking at her walk through the corridors smiling at me, brought out the 'sexual creature' in me. My friend thinks she's the 'sexual bad-ass' in me; I don't care, she's just fucking amazing. It's not like love or anything, she's just so goddamnit sexy; lust, if you may. And I admit, she's no Betty Crocker but she sure is a lot of 'clothes off' in public places (changing rooms, bathrooms, storerooms, laboratories). Oh and she's 10 years older than me; not that I care. but some people think it's an important factor, especially Betty Crocker.

She knows I love her, she says she confused. I can't wait around forever, so I move on to the 'senior'. But now Betty Crocker decides she probably wants me too. Ah, she can have her men now. My ego was known to be bigger than me, and I'm pretty big.

So the 'senior' thinks I'm over Betty Crocker. I am, but your first love is always your first love.

Love. What a fucking pretentious word. Love is one of the inventions I hate. After Pandora, of course; she opened the whore box which ruined the world. And she went against the 'rule' set by her elder. Which brings me to point one; she's 10 fucking years older than I am! What does she even see in me?!?! And what if this turns out like 'Pandora's Box'. Like all pretty and nice outside but once opened (pun definitely intended), gets the best of her, or worse, me?!

"Sugar" she crooned. I hated when she called me that, too much Betty Crocker for me. "Sugar, I love the way your hair curls when you wake up." I replied with a grunt. "Coffee?" She asked. I snatched the mug and gulped more than half of it. "You know, I'm thinking, how much meaner could you get without coffee? I mean, quite caffeine for a week, na?" She stuck her tounge out. I pretended to grab it and devour it. "No more coffee for me from now on." I said and then finished the rest of my cup and poured some more.

The 'senior' and I actually had some things in common; we were tall, attractive, fuckingly brilliant while talking, almost ditto music and movie tastes. Betty Crocker and I were poles apart, literally. I'm 5'10 and she's 5'0. We have a difference of a large penis between us. She probably doesn't have sex appeal according to most people, which might be true, but she cuter than a panda bear cute. NOT the usual ME! Scared of talking to an audience, only about 2 artists in common and her favorite movie is exactly the the kind I detest. And I 'love' her. Gee, retarded much? Also a little ironic. Ah, THIS is the Indian side of me, isn't it?

The 'senior' was oblivous to the fact I didn't love her. Betty Crocker was oblivious to the fact I did.

---xxx---

I handwrote a story after really long. It's annoying to retype. Oh and fiction after REALLY long! :O

My Overkill/ Things I've Achieved

Yes, overkill. I 'killed' it a bit too much. I thought embarassment wasn't a word in MY dictionary. Ah, as it turns out, it is, NOW. Grrrr* I'm never getting drunk again. That means if I'm taking shots with you, stop me after my 8th one, please? Oh and no more beers after that either. Thank you.

I was actually excited to be getting drunk for the first on my early surprise party (yes, they DID throw one for me) but then things got a little dirty (other than the fact Appy grabbed my ass, a billion times). So after my 9th shot (I guess), I went outside for a cigarette (it was my pretend birthday, I had to have my last cigarette) and someone dared me to kiss A***** and me being my drunk self, grabbed her face, twice, yeeesh! And then I was like hell yeah! I'm 16 RAWWWR! And kissed Ak**** and after that went crazy kissing everyone there, some people more than once, and including my best friend's boyfriend twice. :| She was pretty drunk herself btw, so she wanted to walk up to me and ask why I kissed him and I grabbed her face too, not that she's annoyed with me right now. So basically I kissed everyone, pretty much, all the sober ones did manage to push me off (I WISH the drunk ones could do that too) and I danced like a crazy bitch (which I can't remember but must have been fun!).

I mean, I'm used to being judged by people, trust me, I am. I'm not the perfect-est thing anyone has ever seen. I have a piercing, smoke(ed), drink (a lot), smoke pot (rarely), oh and like women (too)! :O When does that not get people to talk? I don't mind it, I don't, not one bit. But I was like some fucking crazy woman last night. Unstoppable kissing machine. Urgh, I hate the sound of that. Silently, everyone's judging, I know it, hate it. FUCK! I'm such a whore. I hate alcohol (not really, my beers are safe), I hate humans (they have lips, okay?), I HATE parties (not really but ones with alcohol, which brings be back to point one), I still hate 'rap music' (how is that music anyway?) and racist bastards who got dissinvited from my party (I'm talking about you, you whorefaced cock munching slut!)

And I know, some of you ARE diplomatic AND are trying to make me feel better, trust me, it's not gonna work. I have never been embarassed AND done WHOA amount of shit, yeah? I have pissed a bunch of people off AND the rest are talking about it. I can't even pretend to not care. I wish I could but I can't. I'm stuck venting to my blog. GAH* I wouldn't have posted this really, but there's pretty much nothing else to do and 'no one' else to talk to (I'm so emo now too grrr*). I'm so fucking done man. I'm frigging screwed up, I turned into what I feared, forever. Gee, shoot me, shoot me now (after the post though).

Thing I've Achieved Before 16.

1] Kissed more than three people on the same night.

2] Gotten horribly drunk but not thrown up.

3] Kissed a girl other than A*****

4] Made a blog :P

5] Wrote 8 chapters of a supposed novel.

6] Grabbed 2 people's asses at the same time (read the name of my blog again, please? :P)

7] Smoked a cigar.

8] Learnt 2 foreign languages.

9] Realized that 'love' sucks.

10] Passed my 10th in one go with not bad marks! :O

11] Pierced something other than my ears and nose. (eyebrow)

12] Flashed random people.

13] AWESOME-NESS (not after last night though)

14] Made friends in other cities and/or countries.

15] Fell in 'love' (I still don't know why I always wanted to. Younger me is stupid, as is old me)

16] Realized 'd be nowhere without my friends, family and mostly dog. :) I love you people. :)

P.S- I made a booboo. Sorry about that. I didn't mean for anyone to get irritated, okay? I love you guys. It couldn't have looked cooler (UV lights and all! :D) and I couldn't have had better cake. EEE* :)

P.P.S(which I just added)- I didn't even ask for Dhokla Popcorn... What a waste of drunk! :(

OMG OMG OMG!!!

I think you look supercute here! And plus, my face isn't really there!

This was when I fell in sexxyness for you! :D

^^Why we're perfect together! :) I <3 you!

There's this boy I know. He's funny, charming, adorable and smart. (When does that happen?:O) But one day, he decided that he had to move away. From me. From everyone. And I can say with honesty, I was depressed as hell. Because he was the most amazing I boy I had known. Now the US is like a gazillion miles away so visiting him in the weekends was kinda impossible.

But there was Facebook AND MSN AND Gtalk, right? RIGHT! I realized his true level of awesomeness online! I can say for a fact he's one person I have been far from and close to at the same time! :D I tell him everything. About me, about everything. I adore him, with all my heart. And if (IF) he requires it, I might just give up anything for him. I have a feeling that he tells me everything too (I hope he does, anyway). And I can't wait for him to visit Bbay so we can make sexy, sexy time ( ;) :P )

He's my love, my life, my pretty much everything and I don't know what I could do without him. In fact, I can't even imagine it.

P.S (pun intended)- Today he's17! EEEEEE* My baby's 17! HE'S SEVEN-FUCKING-TEEN! :D

P.P.S- I can't wait for him here, with my Twizzlers! And his... You know what! ;P

P.P.P.S- I know I promised something better, but babe, this is all I can do, remember the thing called a writer's block?

P.P.P.P.S- You shizzle my dizzle! :D

P.P.P.P.P.S- BABE! I LOOOOVE YOU SOOO MUCH!!!

Je t'adore si beaucoup!!! मैं आपसे बहुत प्यार करती हूँ!!!

I'm never alone. I'm alone all the time.

Good morning blog! Ah, how I love bunking school... Gives me an entire day all to myself in the comforts of my room, only. Not that I don't have work to do. :|

I just realized, I can whoop ass when I feel like it. Especially while debating. Mostly while debating. Goddamnit! I can whoop as otherwise too, you know, I just don't do it. I can't deliberately hurt someone. I wish I could though; I could have shut so many people up from trying, I emphasize on TRYING, insult me or make fun of me when I don't really like them. I always can say things back. But one crazy ass punch gives me 10 minutes, na? Which reminds me...

I'm not a hater. I never was. But certain people! OMG I COULD STAB THEM REPEATEDLY WITH A FUCKING DAGGER, SHOOT 20,000 HOLES IN THEM AND DRILL HOLES IN TO THEIR SKULLS AND NOT BE FUCKING SATISFIED! GRRRRRRRR*!

I fucking hate you, don't you get that I don't wish to talk to you? I mean, I DO make it fucking obvious, you stupid incompetent whores! Stop trying to quote me to the friends we got in common, they know, I know, you suck.

Phew* feels good to vent (and be honest)

I'm not a lover either. I never was. But I'm in love now. Yay! Not! I don't know. Ah, who cares. I'm not really in love, love (I guess) but I feel like hugging people and kissing them (no, not sexually, I'm not a pervert, remember?). And I sometimes make them stupid hearts to people. (Yes, Suga Muffin, I am talking about you. And See-weed. And Anai. Oh GOD, IT'S NEVERENDING!)

I'm never alone. But I feel alone all the time. I don't think I even need to explain this feeling. Thank you, Bush (not like the president, or like the 'bush' above someone's genitals. Bush like the band! Lead singer is married to Gwen Stefani? Now does that make sense?)

I think my friends are plotting against me. Okay, not plotting, but definitely up to something! I get my birthday is coming and I don't want to celebrate but you guys want to throw a partaaay! But sheesh, rather obvious, na? My mom even, for that matter. I'm not a 5 year old kid! I'm turning 16, remember? I do get you guys plot against me, but this! I was thinking of having a poker party, you know? The entire Gatsby kinda party. But no time, no place. Misused mistakes. =P Let's just get drunk, na?

P.S- Paintballing in lonavala anyone?

I'm in love with the ugliest girl in the world.

The woman that I love she got a hook in her nose
her eyebrows meet, she wears second hand clothes
She speaks with a stutter and she walks with a hop
I don't know why I love her but I just can't stop

You know I love her
Yeah I love her
I'm in love with the Ugliest Girl in the World

If I ever lose her I will go insane
I go half crazy when she calls my name
When she says babababababy I l-l-love you
There ain't nothing in the world that I wouldn't do

You know I love her
Yeah I love her
I'm in love with the Ugliest Girl in the World

The woman that I love she got two flat feet
Her knees knock together walking down the street
She cracks her knuckles and she snores in bed
She ain't much to look at but like I said

You know I love her
Yeah I love her
I'm in love with the Ugliest Girl in the World

I don't mean to say that she got nothing goin'
She got a weird sense of humor that's all her own
When I get low she sets me on my feet
Got a five inch smile but her breath is sweet

You know I love her
Yeah I love her
I'm in love with the Ugliest Girl in the World

The woman that I love she a got a prizefighter nose
Cauliflower ears and a run in her hose
She speaks with a stutter and she walks with a hop
I don't know why I love her but I just can't stop

I mean this is just AWWW! And I don't aww... Sadly, men like Bob Dylan died out with the dinosaurs. And WHEN will someone write something like this for me? I'm not asking you to love me, just write something for me. I sick of writing for other people. :| Mera number kab ayega? WHEN?!

We are alone, together.

You know, the entire day things happen and I go like, hmm... I should write about this on my blog. And now when the time comes to type, I have actually forgotten each one of them thoughts. Goddamn!

So some of the thoughts I can remember...

1) I don't see what's wrong in not wanting to celebrate my birthday. AND don't play that 'you always get so excited for your birthday! What happened this year?" Last year, I had my math prelim paper on my birthday (which was on a Monday btw, and I HATE MONDAYS!) and a French one the next day... And you tell me I am excited for my birthdays.

2) People assume I'm not fine but I am. I so totally am! I mean it. Go on, don't believe me but I am, okay? Hmmph! For the first time, I am. As much as you claim to know the differences in my voice, tone, style of dressing (wtf?) and behaviour, have you ever considered the fact that I might have changed a teeny tiny bit? Not totally, though. I am still the one you can always depend on and the one who'd give you new music.

3) I like Hindi, okay? I mean, it is our national language after all. Agar mujhe Hindi me baat karna accha lag ta hain, uska matlab nahin ki mein Angrezi mein theek se baat nahi kar sakti hoon. (Just cuz I like talking in Hindi doesn't mean I can't talk in English) I am actually pretty fluent in English. Screw YOU, illiterate people.

So now for the nagging thought of the day. (yesterday but I was too tired/stoned to blog)

We are alone, together. Are those the words single friends (mostly girls) say to each other? To convince themselves that being alone is fine? Ah, it isn't really. But come on! There is definitely something wrong with that sentence.

But we are alone, together, right? All my single ladies, all my single ladies, put your hands up!

Okay, THAT was lame! But I was just talking about the video with one of my male friends and realized that YESH, THAT was HOT! I gotta start remembering things man. Like I completely forgot the video and it's so not worth forgetting.

ANYWAY... As I was saying... We are all alone, together... In this world, this teeny tiny world... Where people matter (or should anyway).

I have just realized why I am 'alone' though, I am insensitive, my 'id' works in overdrive and I hurt people, A LOT. I apoplogize, thoroughly to everyone I have hurt... And we all are alone, together...

P.S- Thank you Natasha Periera, Rashmi Narkar(er?) and Shruti Shastri... If it weren't for random shit in the classroom... This post wouldn't have existed... :)

P.P.S- I know you were expecting something funnier but I've been down in the dumps recently... (remember Service?)

Goddamn!

Wow... I never thought guilt could consume so much of me! I mean it's not like I gave a fuck anyway, right? (okay, maybe I did but that's what you thought na?) And as superficial you might think I am, I really miss you, now, and I shouldn't have been stupid. I usually say life's too short for regrets but GODDAMN! I can't stop thining about you and the way things ended. Sheesh, I sound like such an obsessed, opressed weirdo. BUT it's not like I have much of a choice. You were (are) perfect and I would probably do anything to get things back to what they were. STUPID, STUUUUPID ME! GAH* Chances are, you would have saved me, from myself, and other things. Goddamn me! GODDAMN ME! You were like my best friend+teacher+crazy person+mature person wrapped in to one. And obviously, there's no one like you, ever.

I'm sorry. I really am. I miss your smell too (sometimes, not your smell after bball though). I miss your annoying laugh and the way I could tell you anything, effortlessly. You were my first. I shouldn't have. I'm so so SO sorry. But apologies are not meant to be accepted. Sorry babe. I wish I get the courage to talk things out with you.

Things I have to learn part 1

I type this as I smoke my last cigarette. (Damn you Jon Bon Jovi for being so sexy and also I need to buy more cigarettes.) I always claimed to be a good listener but it turns out, I talk, way too much AND deaf from my left ear. Like WOW. I mean my friends (all of you) have to just put up with so much. I can't just SHUT UP! I wish I could though. I'm sorry, all of you.

I realized today that I talk way too much about this certain person I know. And my friends have to put with so much as I can't shut up about this person. So I have decided to talk a little lesser (and decrease my phone bill) and be nicer to all you people.

So now, everytime I dream OR have a thought OR think of something funny, I shall laugh all secretely to myself. I am done being an open book as obviously that didn't turn out quite well.

Why do people even like me? I mean, I'm insensitive, annoying, rude, pompous, narcisstic, perverted?, over-smart, MY music obsessed, obsessive and have no sense of responsibility. Those are not the qualities one likes very much. And I'm not even that cute. I just LOOK like a teddy bear; behaviour is not of the before mentioned.

And ironcially, I know of only 4 people who absoutely detest me. (Smart them, na?) Just stop talking to me, would ya? I need to learn how to shut up and listen.

Incompetency (If that is even a word)

I have never felt stupider my entire life. I mean how dare anyone say I'm smart! I'm far from smart. I mean, Math, makes no sense to me. Does anyone really even care whether I'll be doing calculus or not? I mean quadratics is almost above me, statistics I don't have a choice :(, mensuration? WTF is that anyway? Stupid bi nomial theorem (Okay, it's easy when you are not solving problems and when does that happen?)

OH and physics... HA! I went for this stupid aptitude/career test and the lady says "I would have told you to get into engineering but your math isn't high. But your mechanical thinking/ physics is amazing." FROM WHICH ANGLE YOU STUPID WOMAN?!?! I really don't understand anything. :|

Economics. Thank GOD I dropped that shit!

Business Studies? Thank GOD I NEVER did that shit.

IT... Technology, as nice it is, sucks. ASS.

French? Je ne comprende pas rien. Excepte, je fenerai de tour de Eiffel. (Merci, Mme. Dhyanii)

Chemistry... Okay, I admit... I REALLY enjoy the subject... But I never seem to get much. I mean what are Organic/Inorganic compounds? Or like stupid ionic equations (The simplest I don't understand). Oh and Polymers and Petrochemicals? Psssshh... I don't even know what those mean? :|

Biology. It was my best. I swear. I LOVED it... But IB makes you just hate everything... :| I have never been bored in Bio my entire life. :| And them stupid microscopes give me headaches. :| Yeeesh.

Films. I have ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY no idea. I haven't ever done it... :( (A white light from below please?)

VIJUAL Arts. Wow... Being decently creative doesn't imply you can draw. Anything. How will I ever pass in VA man? These really awesome people who did art all fucking day go and get fours. HOW WILL I EVER GET ABOVE A MOTHERFUCKING 2? AAAAAAAH!

English. Ah, one thing I can say I can do decent at. At least I can understand bits of it.

Pyschology. My 6th love. As of now, anyway. (Maybe my awesomely smoking hot teacher might have raised my interests a little bit.) This is the ONLY subject I'd bother doing anything for. With good reason. My pyschology teacher loves my theories. Especially the one about girls from girls only schools. But I will get to that later. (And for those who beg to differ, she said it's feasible, okay?)

I hate wanting to go through things again. I mean should I really stick to VA? Or shift to chemistry? Or maybe even something else? Like eco? Or I don't know. Goddamn! Help? PLEASE? I never ask.

Ah, I Love Jack Johnson

This is my 20th post... Wow! Anyway...

Have you ever heard a song you wished someone would sing for you? (Or you sing for someone else) Ah, I love Jack Johnson. He's got the cutest songs ever. And whichever song it is, you always wish you could have someone serenade that to you or serenade it to someone. But yeah, you get the picture.

Well, I was crazy about you then and now
The craziest thing of all, over ten years have gone by
And you're still mine, we're locked in time
Let's rewind

Do you remember when we first moved in together?
The piano took up the living room
You played me boogie-woogie I played you love songs
You'd say we're playing house now you still say we are

We built our getaway up in a tree we found
We felt so far away though we were still in town
Now I remember watching that old tree burn down
I took a picture that I don't like to look at

- Do You Remember.

And I'm just a waste of her, energy.
She's just wasting my time, Mm hm
So why don't we get together
And we could waste, everything, tonight
And we could waste, we could waste it all, tonight

Yeah,We could waste it,we could waste, we could waste it all.

And I don't pretend to know what you know, No no
Now please don't pretend to know what's on my mind
But if we already knew everything that everybody knows
We would have, nothing to learn, tonight
And we would have, nothing to show, tonight
Oh

But everybody thinks that everybody knows
About everybody else, nobody knows
Anything, about themselves
Because they're all worried about everybody else
Yeah yeah mmm hmm ahh


This love's just a waste of our, energy,
and this life's just a waste of our time,
So why don't we get together
And we could waste, everything, tonight
And we could waste
We could waste it all...
Yeah

- Wasting Time.

Ah, how I LOVE Jack Johnson..! =D

You're my Mithai Ki Dukaan.

You are there.

Not in striking distance. Good. Lucky you.

You annoy me, confuse me. But mostly yourself.

I don't know what to do.

I don't know why but I hate 'I don't know'.

IDK annoys me.

Very much.

Spare me the drama, please?

I have a tough time reading between lines.

Be straightforward. Like me.

Learn to be straightforward. Not as much as me.

Curl in to a ball and then open wide.

Spare me the torture, oh evil one.

Okay, you're not evil. Not that much anyway.

You just don't know. Anything.

And unknowingly make my head go 'jbsrgjbjbsrgsdrgh'.

And seemingly you don't want to my mess with my head.

Maybe you do. Maybe you just don't know it.

You don't like asking questions or help.

Change. You will get nowhere with that attitude, as someone famous once said.

Sometimes externals are required.

No one expects only one (half) brain to think of what it wants. (though it can)

It wasn't that hard before, was it?

I'm fine. I AM FINE.

I will be fine. IF I am not.

Let me go.

I think I need some time out.

I don't know whether I do.

Wow. That's a first, isn't it?

Do I take it? And hurt you?

Obviously, that I don't want to do.

Or I don't and contemplate whether I do or not?

I'm stuck. Help?

See, it's not that hard.

Help is just a phonecall away, usually.

Pray to your leader that everything will fall in to place.

It will... Eventually.

Till then...

You're my one.

You're my only one.

You're the person I adore.

You're the person I want to talk to when things go wrong (other than you).

You're the person I seek for love from (platonic also).

You're the person I could probably hear about all day and not get bored.

Chances are, you're the person whose eyes I could stare in to for a really long time AND be quiet.

You're the person I'd quiet down for.

You're the person I'd sing/write/dance/act/not-act/study/sleep/eat/drink/not-smoke for.

You're the person I want to be with. (Again, platonically also)

You're the person I'd call 'mithai ki dukaan' as only one mithai will not show your worth.

You're the person I'd look stupid/smart/funny/nerdy/athletic/tubby/beautiful/ugly for.

You're the person I'd be not sad for.

You're the person I'd kill for. (Flies and some insects, only some)

You're the person I want to be.

You're the person who makes me a better person. (If that made any sense)

You're the person I'd only care about. (And some friends. Rest all can kiss my round ass)

You're the person whose words I'd believe without a doubt. (Exceptions are there, everywhere)

You're my 'mithai ki dukaan'.

P.S- I will not do justice if I'd only call her one sort of Mithai. So there you have it. Mithai ki Dukaan... (Sweet shop)

Only One - Yellowcard

Honestly, I didn't like Yellowcard that much. But very weirdly, I think I'm in love with this song. Okay, not love but I definitely think it's so fucking apt.

Broken this fragile thing now
And I can't, I can't pick up the pieces
And I've thrown my words all around
But I can't, I can't give you a reason

I feel so broken up (so broken up)
And I give up (I give up)
I just want to tell you so you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you do
You are my only, my only one

Made my mistakes, let you down
And I can't, I can't hold on for too long
Ran my whole life in the ground
And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone

And something's breaking up (breaking up)
I feel like giving up (like giving up)
I won't walk out until you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you do
You are my only my only one

Here I go so dishonestly
Leave a note for you my only one
And I know you can see right through me
So let me go and you will find someone

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, but there's just no one, no one like you
You are my only, my only one
My only one
My only one
My only one
You are my only, my only one

My favorite part is

Here I go so dishonestly
Leave a note for you my only one
And I know you can see right through me
So let me go and you will find someone

Ifeellikeanimbecile : |

Lurking in the shadows of the nightlife; this is not where I want to be, this is not where I need to be.

I pretend everything’s alright. I pretend everything’s fine.

No one knows, no one cares. I can be by myself.

I am used to being by myself.

It annoys not knowing, not understanding, not reasoning.

But I’ll be fine, right? I always have been. This time’s no different, right?

I don’t want to do anything; my space is destroyed.

I don’t want to be anything; my head is smashed.

I don’t want to understand anything; okay, lying is my way.

I don’t want to feel anything; being non-human is in bad taste.

Being enigmatic was supposed to be a compliment?

I thought funny, smart, witty and charming was.

WHY are some people enigmas?

Make things clearer for us morals down here, please.

Ifeellikeanimbecile. Yes, I’m actually close to saying something of the sort.

Gah* I hate humans… I do, honestly. They do not; I repeat DO NOT, care in any sort of way. Why do they have to sit and play games? Are they sadistic? Are actually enjoying what they do us non-humans? Why can’t they say something that you might actually want to hear, like answers, or reasons? Nothing else is actually expected, you know, non-humans don’t expect much. Itna kya dikat hain?

This is after Appy’s party… L I hate parties, humans and rap ‘music’.

Curves and Hands...

Hello, I know this post is after a really loooong time but yeah... I just wrote this last night after coming from Play... I plan to continue it in other posts... But yeah..! =)

Sadly, she didn’t fancy me, well at least not as much as I fancied her. But who cares, it’s not like I’m crazy about her or anything; or her long, flow-y hair or even her dark eyes for that matter. She was she and I was just me, the lonely, stupid, ugly girl who no one took notice of. Well, she didn’t; the one person who should have taken notice. I don’t think I could have made it anymore obvious that I had a thing for her. She knew I looked at her, she knew I admired her; only thing was why it was so hard for her to accept… Anything.

 

I can’t dance and it’s not like I have two left feet, I have four. And she was amazing, and amazing means she could do five pirouettes WITHOUT falling all over the place. And she had the smile of a toothpaste model (or maybe even better) and she was the sweetest thing anyone could have laid eyes on. She was soft spoken, well mannered and just so god-damn-it nice. She was shy, conservative and considerate; those were most of the things I liked about her. The rest were pretty much her hips, her amazingly strong legs and her hands. Her hands were the prettiest, perfectest, nicest and amazingest ever. They way she moved them could make you watch them for ages without getting distracted.

 

“Come on, you know you can do it. Just squeeze your inner thighs.” And then she’d place her hands over my thighs and squeeze them shut. But that wasn’t all; she also liked her hips to be observed very carefully. “Why are you not looking at what I am doing with my hips? LOOK!!! Copy me or at least try to get somewhat of what I’m doing.” Like I could copy her with my four feet.

 

“Hey, do you play any instrument or sing or know someone else who does?” She asked me one day. “Yeah, I play the guitar and keyboard. And sing a bit. Why?” “A bunch of us are forming a band and we only got drummer, bassist and lead. Would you like to join us?” “Would I? It would be effing crazy man. I’d love to. When do you want me to audition?” “Are you free next Saturday? Cool.” And that was the first time I saw her outside the studio, in her tight-ass jeans. Wow, I don’t think anyone’s hips could have looked better.

 

“Why are you looking at me like that?” she asked. “Like what? You were looking at me so I looked at you. Simple.” “No, I wasn’t looking at you.” Then how did you know I was looking at you?” and I stuck my tongue out. Yeah, I was like that, I did the annoying bit. Like kindergarten boys tugging on the girl’s hair. Wow, I took pride in being a little mature and a good listener but it turns out, I’m deaf in my left ear and probably not that mature.  

Heartbreaks and Puppy Love

Heartbreaks are not only caused by lovers or girlfriends or boyfriends. They are caused by anything that means a lot to you. And as much as most people would like to say otherwise... Puppy love does exist. 

I was 9 when I had my first heartbreak (that's not as unbeliveable as it sounds). I saw the cutest puppy, I repeat PUPPY and I begged my mom to let me take it home and save it from the wrath of all the Cokes and Popcorn (we saw her when we got out of a cinema hall). Eventually she did say yes and we got her home. She one of the cutest things I had ever seen. She was black and had white stockings in the front paws and white shoes on the back paws. She had a white patch shaped like a shooting star on the back of her neck. I thought that made a little more than lucky. She was playful, smart, adorable and pretty much what everyone looks for in a dog. As she was black my 9 year old mind decided to name her Shadow (and not to be racist either). My mom was not a fan of hers, as were most people because she was a stray and probably had some disease that she was dying to give to us, though the doctor said she was perfectly healthy. But obviously as 'elders' are "look at her, her coat doesn't shine, she is going to grow up to be very ugly and big, you won't be able to look after her, blah blah blah." 

STUPID MOTHERFUCKING ADULTS... I STILL FUCKING HATE YOU ALL AND I STILL HOPE THAT ALL THE EVIL FUCKING THINGS YOU HAVE DONE COME AND BITE YOU ON YOUR MOTHERFUCKING ASSES.

I was a child. Nobody should have played with my feelings. Imagine a 9 year old gullible child being told by a bunch of people who she looks up to, that her dog was probably best left back where she came from. I have never cried or protested so much in my entire life. Infact... I still cry and I do not think it shows weakness, it shows mourning and loss and also a bit of suffering. 

So one day we kept her with the strays outside our compound; she was friendly with them, as MOST FUCKING good dogs were. But later on in the evening, there was a slight scratching and whining outside our door. It was her. She found her way through the guards and made her way to the 3rd floor. A dog that had barely stayed for a while at her house made her way. I thought maybe this will make them change their mind. But obviously, I was 9, you never know better when you are 9. So they pestered me enough and finally I broke and I bid my last good bye to her, telling her to be good and to miss me because I was gonna miss her. I remember crying on her and she licking my nose to tell me it would be all okay. BUT WHAT IS ALL OKAY???!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS ALL OKAY!!!? 

Well, obviously the next few days I was miserable so mom decided it was maybe time to go and find her. And obviously we didn't find her where we left her. She was gone and no one (the watchmen around the cinema hall) knew where she was. 

Everyone (my friends in my building) was sad because everyone loved her; and how could you blame them. She was playful (she loved chewing on things and running around with them), smart (she learned to 'sit' when she was 3 months old), adorable (I'll show you the proof) and still had all the qualities a person would look for in a dog. 

There's pretty much one thing that I have learned from this. Trusting your parents, might be easy, but I don't think I want to be trusting them much. Oh and also... Why my child will be better than me??? Because I have actually learnt from my parents mistakes. I don't think mine ever did. 

P.S- Sorry about the picture quality... They a pictures of pictures as my scanner doesn't work.

Shiver Me Timbers...

Yeah... Festivals... Yeah... No... Not my thing... I don't like festivals or celebrations (except for birthdays). But somehow JuuJuu* managed to convince me to play Holi this year... Bleh JuuJuu Bleh*!!! So yeah... I didn't stay at home, eat pizza (okay I did that but yeah) and watch a really good movie... Instead I went down in my building, got colored, dirty, stinky, pinky (I have pink in places I would not like to mention) and wet... 

Sadly... It was fun... We danced under water (rain apparently) and had a hell lotta fun. Though Kumail, Rahul, Arjun and Seerat ditched us in the end. But overall I think this was my best holi... We played, went home, had our showers, go ready and went to Domino's!!! (WOOHOO; it is better than PizzHut) We ate, looked at random shops... And then finally decided to go to Tall Grass (a hookah joint)... We just sat around, did nothing and smoked pipe... Fun, fun, fun! It's like a perfect end to a perfect day... Except for the pink bits... Bleh* 

And Goro made me a redneck... A literal one mind you... And Asad got really drunk and started asking for me... HaHa... Bastard went to High Point... HAHAHAHAHA FAG!!! We ate pizzas!!! But other than that... It was awesome... And I wish some people were here to celebrate too... But it's okay... 

P.S- Festivals are still a bitch... And people are still really annoying with the holi thingi...

P.P.S- I had an eyepatch over my right eye for pretty much the entire time I was playing holi... Shiver Me Timbers bitches!

P.P.P.S- Happy Holi bitches!!! =)

Gampires DO exist...

Bleh* It's not even funny how boring nights can be... (Also lazy but I'll get to that later) 

So one of my friends (being nice and all) sent all the Twilight E-books to me... I was bored and I totally wanted to see what were they so hyped up about... 

The book... NOT WORTH IT..! The writing is waaaaaaay to amateur and I can bet if I had to write about something similar (me being 15) would have totally gotten acclaim for my writing skills (not that I'm any good but so so much better than that) 

The only thing really catchy was the story... Though New Moon got me really bored in between... And I totally understand the concept of Gampires (Gay-Vampires)...

Like seriously... I get that you're trying to give him a softer side... And that he can love and blah blah blah... But WHERE IS THE GODDAMN BLOOD AND GORE!!!??? Like at least put a little bit... Please..! =( 

But the concept of a vampire falling in love and all... Is okay really... (I still don't get why Asad and Goro were sooooo offended by it) but yeah... BITE A PERSON WOULD YA... Or like at least have a little of her blood once a week or summin... And somehow Edward Cullen does not seem like a very HOT person... Like he may look it but somehow doesn't come across like a very nice person... SOOO MOODY..! And all the coldness is not that atractive... The warmth of Jacob Black is so much better... And yesh... I think Jacob makes a better boyfriend... 

But yeah... Vampire are sexy... This one is... But his personality isn't... I would totally do him... But not date him... Where as Jacob is 6'5 and a werewolf... Dogs are sexier than Bats...

And her writing skills are not great but the reason this book sells it beacuse of her storyline... No one can compare this to Harry Potter (I'm sorry but Harry Potter has everything you could ask for)... 

And stupid Edward... Make her a bloody vampire (Bloody Vampire, haha)... I'm positive her parents wouldn't mind... 

P.S- Mommy... Eating carrots and curd for din din is not weird... 

Life just seems so incomplete sometimes. No one else realizes it though. They think it’s perfect; or at least not incomplete. But only YOU know what you see (unless it’s like those retarded horror films that have a chick have an eye transplant and then she can like see dead people, so so stupid!)

 

But life is not a retarded horror movie, so you don’t know what I see. And telling me about what you think I see is annoying...

 

It’s not like there is something horrible happening… But just that something is missing… Something you awfully want but don’t know what it is that you want…

 

I sound so horrible to myself and this blog thingy doesn’t really work out for me. Like people have so much better shit written and I’m just like Bleh* about it. And I have been trying to complete this shit I have written since the past year and half… Why the fuck am I not being able to complete it? Where the fuck are my grey fucking cells man??? WHERE!!!???

And these stupid thoughts inside my head... Daamn!!! KEEL THEM BITCHES..! But this time they got away... Next time I will kick them square in the nut sack and run!!!

But yeah... I actually got a dream about snakes! =O Daamn you Seerat..! It's like we exchanged dreams... (Or rather the types of them; and I promise to not mention them publicly =P)

Damnit!

Time: 7:13pm

Place: The Purple Room

Music: Your Guardian Angel- The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus.

So yeah... I fucked up today..! Like really bad..! I am a really inconsiderate, stupid and selfish person and I would never like me if I were not me... (If that made any sense)

Today... 

I woke up at 11:15am but decided to go back to sleep as I barely got any last night due to this horrible pain in my legs. And I had an extremely horrifying nightmare (or daymare) after that; woke up again. Went back to sleep and had (finally) a decent dream involving a certain person I know. Finally I got outta bed at 1:30 pm which is early for me. I got biscuits and peanutbutter and had a breakfast. I watched a whole lotta How I Met Your Mother and got my self some lunch at around 3:30pm. Watched HIMYM again.

Watched Scrubs later...

This doesn't seem like an evil day, right? Wrong!!! I didn't even say hello to my mom. I didn't enter her room and when I finally went in to say hello all I got was an eyebrow raise... Which I totally deserve but I feel so horrible. And I pretended that I didn't know she was in the house. Yeah, it's not that stupid; it's a hell lot more!!! 

And now I got Dhyanii coming over for a sleepover and I have to get permission to go to Tubby's farmhouse tomorrow... But sadly... I fucked up! As usual... I always fuck things up! And it makes me feel so guilty and so horrible. Cause I don't want to be an asshole who doesn't give a fuck about anything..! 

And these stupid cartoon-y tags of everyone... GODDAMNIT NOTIFICATIONS!!!

They were fun when you were not getting and giving them..! BUT dear god... People stop tagging these retard weird cartoon-y pictures..! THEY ARE ANNOYING NOW!!! 

We are not anti-boy; we are pro-girl!

Hehe... Yeah.. Riot Grrrl is awesome! 

For those who do not know what Riot Grrrl is...

It is an underground feminist punk movement. Riot Grrrl bands often adress issues such as rape, domestic abuse, sexuality and female empowerment..! 

But they are so AWESOME!!!

As in their music is... I do not (sadly) know them personally..! 

And as Molly Neuman awesomely puts it.. 'We are not anti-boy; we are pro-girl'!!!!!! So yeah!!!

Rebel Girl - Bikini Kill (Kathleen Hanna, the founder of Riot Grrrl)

That girl thinks shes the queen of the neighborhood
Shes got the hottest trike in town
That girl she holds her head up so high
I think I wanna be her bestfriend

Rebel girl, rebel girl
Rebel girl you are the queen of my world
Rebel girl, rebel girl
I think I wanna take you home
I wanna try on your clothes too

When she talks, the revolutions coming
In her hips, theres revolution
When she talks, I hear the revolution
In her kiss, I taste the revolution

Rebel girl...

That girl thinks shes the queen of the neighborhood
I got news for you, she is!
They say shes a slut, but I know
She is my bestfriend

Rebel girl, rebel girl, rebel girl
I really like you, I really love you
I really wanna be your bestfriend
Love you like a sister always
Soul sister, blood sister

Please be my rebel girl

Disturbia

This one is for you Twinkle..! Hope you like it! (if you don't imma kick your buddi ass) =P

“Basanti! You stupid woman! I told you to put it straight! What makes you think you can put the phone diagonally? Can’t you do anything right?” screamed Papa as he was getting ready to go to office. “Sir, I can. And right now I am packing your ‘dabba’, please cooperate with me” she said while grinning at my ignorant face.

 

Im used to this now; his obsession with getting things done perfectly, ever since Mom went away that is. All day long he is screaming like a banshee. I just wonder what happens to his workers at office.  I am just waiting for the day he comes home and kicks his shoes off at random places; he used to do that a lot.

 

I vividly remember my dad telling mother lazily “it’s a Sunday honey. Why bother with homework darling? Sometimes I feel you are too much of a brain-chewer. I should have married that British/Punjabi girl my parents wanted me to marry. She was as laid back as I am.” He said with his most charming smile, to which she replied “you do remember my old boyfriend, don’t you? That tall, fair Parsi boy. I still have his number you know; maybe I should call him up sometime” she replied cheekily while dressing me up in my Sunday dress. I used to wear that dress every Sunday, not every Sunday literally just the Sundays my brother was visiting and taking us to the cinema. 

 

I used to worship cinema days. I used to love going to the matinee. I used to make sure I used to wear my best frocks every time I would go to the cinema. I was amazed that two hours of my life would transform my thinking and my way of looking at things.

I guess Papa enjoyed spending time with us too. He still visits that old shut down cinema from Sunday to Sunday. Maybe to revive old memories, maybe to revive Mother’s soul.

He probably behaves like her because he doesn’t want me to feel that she’s gone. But how could I miss!

 

Well I don’t want to boast but I feel I had the perfect family. Well, that is impossible but real close to being perfect; a loving dad, a fun/strict mom and a brother who is continuing his studies abroad. Everything was normal (or abnormal according to others) till she got her first fit (unfit).

 

It started off with her shivering violently and then screaming and going crazy. I was just nine then. Dad took her to the best hospitals and no one ever figured what was wrong with her. But still, they put her on some medication which reduced the often-ness of the convulsions.

 

 

But one fine (not fine) day, she got the worst seizure of her life and was well, found dead.  We thought she was getting better but apparently she wasn’t. It was like a ‘Hindi’ movie coming towards the interval; only that it was the end of my mom. But it was even worse for my father. He looked like one of those sad, Italian gangsters in his office suits; he had a thin moustache and he smoked cigars. He never cried openly but me, being his daughter, knew that inside it was like an everlasting stab to the heart.

 

My brother stopped his studies for a bit and came to live with us but it made no difference. He was still quiet and obsessed with perfection.

 

Presently, he has tried perfecting everything; from how the socks are kept to the number of brown spots on a ‘chapatti’ (32) and my grades!  And now that I am 17 and studying psychology, it just becomes clearer that perfection is just a voice for your inner insecurities/pain. 

God Killed The Queen

This is for Khushboo... Hope you like it! =D

Time: 10:04pm

Place: The Purple Room

Music: All The Small Things- Blink 182

“God killed the queen” sang out Louis XIV’s lead singer, Daryl Reed. He is brilliant. He comes up with amazing lyrics and guitar licks (okay so what if that happens after two joints). Head banging, I make my way backstage only to see the band manager, Judith, trying to open a bottle of Foster’s with her teeth. She offers it to me. I reached out for it but before I could grab the bottle, her lips grabbed mine. We have been together since Louis XIV has been touring and that’s about three years and a half. She gets a bottle of Foster’s for herself and then we start singing “if you want to take my body tonight then you have to bring somebody tonight. I think im seeing double, God killed the queen”. The show then ends and many fans try to get backstage; just so you know that is impossible. Then the band comes in and gives us a big group hug. We then gulped two bottles each and went to sleep. We all love camping backstage. We think it’s just like a big sleepover. Its fun! And Judith and I don’t have much of a trouble sleeping together in front of them.

 

I woke up to see the band still sleeping and Judith holding out a steaming cup of black coffee. Hmm! That’s just something I can’t live without. I need to start my day with caffeine and nicotine (and if im in the mood pot would do too). I just need them racing through my veins (this craving for nicotine is something that no non-smoker can understand). It’s difficult to get in for a shower without them.

 

After she handed me my coffee she went and sat on the couch. I go there and lay my head on her thigh and pull real hard on my Marlboro. I could not even blow the smoke out (I got real less sleep last night); I just let it seep out through the side of my mouth. I get done with my coffee and Marlboro and glance at the time. I flip. I look at Judith with a questioning look and all she says in her sexy voice is “I told them not to syringe last night” (it’s a different way of saying injecting heroin) “and they promised that they would get up in time for the bus and guess what? Surprise, surprise, we have missed the bus and no performance equals no dough”. I reply with a sniff “really isn’t there something we can do? What if we wake them up ready real fast and leave ASAP? What if…”she shuts me up by screaming “We have lost the biggest show of our life, you really think we can make it there now? Do you Alexei Turner? Do you? I guess not, right?” I just stared at her and collapsed; im really scared of her screams, she hardly gets angry but once she does it’s like crazy.

 

When I woke up, my head, still spinning from my last conversation with Judith, looks around and sees her sipping a cup of coffee. She doesn’t like coffee; she prefers not to drink it. That’s what hit me. She never drinks it only keeps it ready for me and I couldn’t even see the band anywhere. I freaked. I have never been so scared my entire life. Then I see her walking towards me with the cup in her hand. She whispers “don’t worry; I’m just tasting the coffee before I hand it to you. I have been doing that ever since. I have packed your bags and I have made sure they won’t get up for some more time at least” (she’s probably injected more heroin in their systems) “We are going back to our home town. And I have got this place right opposite the beach. So drink your coffee quick so we can leave.” I asked her why are we leaving and she replies “because I am leaving the band and you are coming with me. I have had enough of this rubbish they give me. I have done so much for them and what do I get? Pot-smoking-vodka-loving-smack heads. So please have your smoke and coffee real quick.” I get out of bed and realize that I have no chance against her; she is just too stubborn.

 

Okay, so the band broke up and I am still living with Judith, I still kept contact with the band mates. She didn’t even mention them.

 

It was her birthday and ‘we’ were celebrating. I was returning home after getting Thai takeout and it started raining heavily. I was soaked head to toe. I soon as I rang the bell, I found a chilled beer in my hand and a pair of amazingly hot lips planted firmly on mine, after that she whispered sexily “chuck the beer; let’s get you out of these wet clothes first.” After dinner, the ex-bassist from ‘the’ band, Keith Turner (no relation; I could never be related to him. He is a slob whereas I am all neat and clean, spic and span and hygienic and I actually take a bath) comes over with a gift for her from Daryl. She got irritated that he had come but she still let him in.

 

I noticed Keith looked kinda nervous. Well I don’t really blame him, Judith intimidates practically everyone. Today was different, he did not look intimidated, he looked panic-stricken. Well he was right to look that way. Daryl had shot himself for Judith. Yes, yes I always knew he was in love with her. It only takes a girl to know who’s in love with whom, (I think Judith was too ignorant to notice). He wrote her a letter. It said…

 

Hey, happy birthday! I know you are irritated with me but let me write it all out. I loved you and I knew that I was never going to get you to love me that way so I decided to be best friends with you (hey, something’s better than nothing right). But that day I saw you leaving with her. That’s what hit me, well actually not that, it’s going to be the bullet but I felt you really needed to know this and I know I am ruining your day but you remember your birthday in the club where we were working I got The Killers to play a song for you (I write sins not tragedies) hope you remember me with that song because it is actually kind of ironic that I’m writing this letter (it’s not a sin, it’s a tragedy). I composed a song for you. I hope you record it with your new band and I also hope that you wear my gift around your neck. I didn’t get it done it was probably Burke/ Keith/ Lee. Hope you miss me and I also hope that Miss Alexei Turner (he used to call me that for some odd reason) takes good care of you and I hope she will miss me too. See you in hell; ha ha.

 

Daryl.

 

Today, I can hear myself singing “forever young, I wanna be forever young. Do you really wanna live for ever, forever, forever?” Today when I walk backstage I think of that bullet around her neck and why Daryl just had to. This word ‘love’ is a sin and this word has made me stick around with her and her band (Blonde Curls & Beer) singing the song Daryl wrote for her because she bursts into tears every time she tries singing it. She loves him as a friend and that’s okay because when I enter her room backstage, I see her opening the Foster’s bottle with her teeth, handing it to me and then reaching out for my lips.

 

 

The ‘Deja Vu-ed’ end

The worst things in life.

Time: 9:44 pm

Place: The Purple Room

Music: Dare You To Move- Switchfoot.

The 2 worst things in the shitbag thing we call life.

Temptation & Karma.

Karma.

Karma is this bad thing that happens to you when you are bad to someone else (and don't apoplogize for it). Karma has many different forms; like falling from a chair to breaking your arm. The intensites of the pain comes from the intensity of the shit you do. 

It feels awesome when it doesn't attack you and someone who has done shit to you. And luckily today. I am not the wrong one. It is her... Her fingers got caught between the door and my maid tried shutting the door a billion times...

Not that it is not nice. It is really painful but you cannot expect to make me feel like a useless piece of shit, hit me, abuse me (verbally), tell me I am the worst thing that has happend to her, send me away cause she cannot stand my face and so on and so fourth.

So her fingers got stuck between the door...

Temptation.

Temptation is a bitch we all have to fight at some point of our lives. It could be trying to resist a cigarette or resisting the urge to kiss this certain person. And somehow we all end up stuck with it. 

I tried quitting yesterday. A day hasn't even passed and I feel like shit already. And resisting the urge to go down, go to my cigg shop and light up is a pain in me behind. And temptation is not only about cigarettes. Also avoiding to eat the entire box of chocolates. And also for her, she has to quit too if she wants her teeth and I saw them and I don't want mine to be like that. But this silly thing called tempation cause infinte pain and sadness and speechless-ness. Bleh*

I hate needing things in life. Even if it is people, food, drugs(nicotine not any others), sleep and your favorite T.V shows... Bah! 

This all sucks and a blog is the best way to vent anger..! 

Awesome-ness Failed

Apparently I do nothing with my life... But the thing is I do. But Bleh* All I'm stuck is listening to her moan about my life and how I will become nothing and all that kinda bullshit. But the point is that it's my life. I have a certain right to choosing what I wanna do with it. Like it's okay if I only work out like thrice a week (dance my ass off). Why should I be also going to the gym, learning a new language, doing a personal make-up course, doing a hair course, earning money and throwing clothes out! Like wtf..! 

And as if my life doesn't suck otherwise. And also I am apparently a failure if I get 3 A's in IG..! I didn't fail a single subject and I got nothing below a 70%. What the fuck bitches!!??!!! 

And also the sad love life people keep asking me about. Not that I care about that but yeah I'm talking about sad things here, one more doesn't make a difference.

Only thing that actually makes me feel better is Kelly's Shoes. And I have decide my subjects (my life, and future career) and I think I have made a wrong choice by doing IB. I should have done HSC science in my 11th and 12th and then gone anywhere from there but no, I was an impulsive idiot. 

So I am not the only one stressing out. I don't dream in my sleep (Sometimes only), I think in my sleep, I think when I am lying down, sitting, dancing, eating, sleeping, playing guitar, singing, typing, not typing, showering, talking on the phone. I think that is pretty much about everything I do. 

SO YES, I HAVE MY OWN STRESS TOO! DON'T FUCKING PISS ME OFF ABOUT YOUR STRESS TOO. 

And if your stress is me, stop stressing, It's my fucking life (sadly).

Watch this- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wCF3ywukQYA (awesome-ness I fail to capture)

After dentist pain

Time: 2:27 pm

Place: The Purple Room

Music: If I Ever Leave This World Alive- Flogging Molly

I hate dentists! Like all of them... Can you imagine I cannot eat for an entire hour..! *screams and shatters glass* ME WANT FOOD!!! 

But still... I am really hungry..! They should give us food..! (Me and my inner self) 

Even Jack White isn't helping now. 

But yeah... With dentists I hate mornings, mondays, monday mornings (espescially), karelas (bitter gourd), fish swimming up your genitals (Candiru found in rainforests; and so so SO creepy) and the fact that I had to lose all of my data because my hard drive decided to blow up!!! Argh!

But yeah... Now time to go eat..! FINALLY BITCHES!!! FOOD!!! *Makes extremely happy face and smiles so hard that lips tear into Jolie's* 

Best Friend

Time: 9:28 pm

Place: The Purple Room

Music: Ladies Of Cambridge- Vampire Weekend

Okay… so have you ever felt closer to someone when you both are probably saying the least of what you are feeling… I guess everybody has. It could maybe be your mom or your best friend or maybe even an old man around the corner whose wife maybe just passed away. The silence means a hell lot more than words and way more than actions. Whatever or whomever it might be, it has happened. Somewhere or the other you have felt closer to a person more than ever. Sometimes words cannot express your feelings, minds can.

 

Munching on my crunchy apple, I wait for her after school. Standing outside her class I look at her mouthing a huge ‘hey’ and flashing her goofiest smile ever (she just got her braces off, cant smile for nuts). She gets out (finally) and grabs a bite off my juicy, crunchy and probably not that completely grown apple (well that’s the way I enjoy it) and says “hey there babe, ready to grab a sub?  

 

Then sitting at subway, she cribs about how I always make her late and how Sandra always screams (supposedly by the way, she just asks us why we are late and that’s about it and yeah Sandra is our tuition teacher). She makes it fairly obvious that she completely detests Jessica and me at this very moment.

 

When we finally make it to Sandra’s she gives me a dirty look for not doing my homework and not paying attention to my studies. She also tries to maintain law and order at the tuitions by whacking anybody doing absolute rubbish (with a ruler I must say). And once out I have here her screaming at me about my carelessness and disregard for studies and how I should appreciate the English language and use the pretty four letter word lesser than I use it now. Then on the way home she shares my I pod with me and chooses the crappiest songs out of my list. And also side by side complain about my choice of people i.e. my present crush, my other group of people, my ex boyfriend, my ex girlfriend, my ex best friend, my other crush.

 

And as usual, she has to take offence to some silly joke I crack. She just has to try to leave the rickshaw. And then Jessica has her laughing fits which irritates ‘our dear darling Gwendolyn’ (I called her that once when she was behaving like a spoilt, rich brat. I got it off from Enid Blyton) even further. And once we reach her building, she says bye and allows us to spank her butt (not really, we just always do it and annoy her).

 

In the evening, we get together and play monopoly. I rule at monopoly and she does too (supposedly) but I come in the way and I destroy her (it’s true, I do). And I know I break her heart then but it’s apparently luck now, ‘innit’?

 

But at the end of the day when the price has been paid, I tell her that I love her. Not only because she takes my rubbish and I take hers but she listens to my silence and I listen to hers. Also she listens when I talk too. She knows every little feeling in my head at any given point of time (that sucks though because I can't keep anything to myself but that’s okay because she is trustable). I might have not liked her two plaits and braces and really’ really long hair at first but now I know I love them (except she doesn’t have two plaits, long hair and braces anymore). And now because of her I study; yes, I truly do. I feel I could not have asked for a better friend (or a better psychic).