Surrender

"I love it! You're the bestest friend in the whole world." She screamed. I gifted her this book she'd been searching for, the first edition, I paid a lot for it but it was worth seeing her smile like that. She then kissed me before she left for her daily walk around the block after the cup of coffee and conversation we shared. I was her best friend. Only her best friend. Best FRIEND. She knew I existed, just not in that way. She doesn't even realize the implications of what she does to me, she has no idea, just living in her tiny bubble of oblivion. I wish I didn't know her, I really do wish I hated her. She just doesn't know that love has always been around the corner for her, I've been here, right here, waiting for her, waiting to hold her up again when she falls, be her crutch if she's hurt, but the tiny bubble of oblivion is pretty strong; I just wish she'd see love is right here, in me.

I could always tell her I loved her, you know? But what difference would that make? I'm not her type or her flavor. She's not open to me. But seeing her happy was my goal, so if I had to fake my happiness, I would, always, for her, anything a thousand times over, even if it meant hurting me and seeing her with someone else who just isn't right for her. Someone who doesn't know her. Someone who can't hear her. Someone who's not me. "I wish you were someone else, you know? It'd be so much easier." Like it is ever so god-damn complicated. It is not complicated, it's quite simple actually; I'm serious, dead serious. It's not that hard, nothing is if you want to try it. It's right there, just take a bite right of it, if it's rotten, you spit it out, if not, you savor it till the last bite. Even if you spit it out, the fruit just never goes anywhere, it's still there rotting with you. So take a taste of me, it's not hard.

She should have known by now that I'm obsessed with her, no, not in a weird, creepy, stalker-ish way; fine, maybe a little like that. She's my flower in a field of weeds. My entire life has been about these random people who claim to know me, love me but it's not about them, it's about her, the one and only one, she's different and she doesn't get that. Que dois-je faire? WHAT am I to do? How am I supposed to make her see that I'm the one she's been waiting for, since forever now. She keeps looking in the wrong places. Love isn't hidden, it's there, take it however it is, before it's too late. I wish I had the nerve to ask her what her deal was. She made me, the complete love-hating, sappy song hating, pop-music hating, metal-head to a love deprived, attention craving, attention showering, nice-person. I am changed person now, sheesh!

She just needs too see, surrender herself to me, she'd have no worries, I'd be her mutant and forever would be still too little for everything.

"Surrender every word, every thought, every sound.

Surrender every touch, every smile, every frown.

Surrender all the pain we've endured until now.

Surrender all the hope that I have lost, you have found.

Surrender yourself to me."

And I would suggest listening to Surrender- Billy Talent, it's inspiration, honey! :)

Strawberry Fields Forever?

I hate how when you're with everyone you love, you're mind still wanders to another person. There's nothing to think about that person but thoughts still prevail. GRRR* And somehow I always end up hurting someone, always. And people think you're anti-social, whereas you're not really, you just don't feel like talking, to anyone. And Tarasha Gadhok isn't like this. She's the happy, nothing's-gonna-bring-her-down kinda person. She doesn't care about things like emotions or thoughts. She's free-willed and awesome. What is all this love-shove business? GRRR* I hate change. I despise it completely. Surprisingly, people didn't see the difference between want and need. HA! These incompetent humans! I will explain, someday, I promise I shall.

But things I've learned today.

a) Live music gets awesomer by the day.

b) Beer tastes better with friends. (and live music)

c) Putting your head outside the car, letting your hair getting messed and driving at a speed of 100 together is FUN!

d) Wishes don't always come true.

e) Best friends don't come and go. :)

f) Photographs are best when you don't pose. Or at least don't try to.

g) Sushi isn't great always. But chicken satay at Global Fusion is forever SEX!

h) Milkshakes at Bachelor's have gone to the dogs... One twenty fucking bucks for a chocolate milkshake! :O And it tasted like shit today! GRRR*

i) (Last one, I promise) Across The Universe is fuckingly brilliant, as is the music and direction. :)

Stone? HAH!

A phobia (fear or morbid fear) is an irrational, intense, persistent fear of certain situations, activities, things, or people. The main symptom of this disorder is the excessive, unreasonable desire to avoid the feared subject.

Acrophobia s an extreme or irrational fear of heights. It belongs to a category of specific phobias, called space and motion discomfort that share both similar etiology and options for treatment. Acrophobia can be dangerous, as sufferers can experience a panic attack in a high place and become too agitated to get themselves down safely.

Why am I posting about phobias? Acrophobia specifically? I have no idea. Maybe I do. Maybe I don't want to talk about it. It's not like anyone cares anyway. I'm just the butt of people's jokes. One person's misery is another's Comedy Central...

Ah, that was a good one Tarasha Gadhok, you should use that sometime. So yeah phobias. My unbelievably sexy psychology teacher says you have a phobia if you revolve your life around not having to meet your phobia. Though she says whatever she says is not god's gospel, this seems believable, right? I would know.

There are lots of words that I don't have in my dictionary (violence, social status, love [the non-platonic kind] etc.). I thought embarrassment was not a part of it either. Turns out, it is, a very BIG part. I thought that was one emotion I couldn't feel. Shame and embarrassment go hand in hand. And I'm not supposed to feel them. I'M JUST FUCKING NOT. I AM CONDITIONED TO NOT FEEL, ANYTHING OF THE SORT. I DON'T HAVE A HEART AND I'M OBNOXIOUS! PFFT! I DON'T HAVE EMOTIONS, REMEMBER? I'M THE GIRL WHO'S MADE OF STONE.

INKED BABAAAAY!!!

EEEEEEEEEEEEE* I got inked! YAY! I got fucking inked (and I did not scream or run away scared)

FICTION FICTION FICTION! :O

"This is illegal" I exclaimed. "You're talking as if you've cared about rules." She replied. I opened my mouth to protest but her tongue was already discovering mine. She drove her fingers through my soft hair and I wanted to protest but resisting her was the problem. She was the most attractive thing I had seen. Just looking at her walk through the corridors smiling at me, brought out the 'sexual creature' in me. My friend thinks she's the 'sexual bad-ass' in me; I don't care, she's just fucking amazing. It's not like love or anything, she's just so goddamnit sexy; lust, if you may. And I admit, she's no Betty Crocker but she sure is a lot of 'clothes off' in public places (changing rooms, bathrooms, storerooms, laboratories). Oh and she's 10 years older than me; not that I care. but some people think it's an important factor, especially Betty Crocker.

She knows I love her, she says she confused. I can't wait around forever, so I move on to the 'senior'. But now Betty Crocker decides she probably wants me too. Ah, she can have her men now. My ego was known to be bigger than me, and I'm pretty big.

So the 'senior' thinks I'm over Betty Crocker. I am, but your first love is always your first love.

Love. What a fucking pretentious word. Love is one of the inventions I hate. After Pandora, of course; she opened the whore box which ruined the world. And she went against the 'rule' set by her elder. Which brings me to point one; she's 10 fucking years older than I am! What does she even see in me?!?! And what if this turns out like 'Pandora's Box'. Like all pretty and nice outside but once opened (pun definitely intended), gets the best of her, or worse, me?!

"Sugar" she crooned. I hated when she called me that, too much Betty Crocker for me. "Sugar, I love the way your hair curls when you wake up." I replied with a grunt. "Coffee?" She asked. I snatched the mug and gulped more than half of it. "You know, I'm thinking, how much meaner could you get without coffee? I mean, quite caffeine for a week, na?" She stuck her tounge out. I pretended to grab it and devour it. "No more coffee for me from now on." I said and then finished the rest of my cup and poured some more.

The 'senior' and I actually had some things in common; we were tall, attractive, fuckingly brilliant while talking, almost ditto music and movie tastes. Betty Crocker and I were poles apart, literally. I'm 5'10 and she's 5'0. We have a difference of a large penis between us. She probably doesn't have sex appeal according to most people, which might be true, but she cuter than a panda bear cute. NOT the usual ME! Scared of talking to an audience, only about 2 artists in common and her favorite movie is exactly the the kind I detest. And I 'love' her. Gee, retarded much? Also a little ironic. Ah, THIS is the Indian side of me, isn't it?

The 'senior' was oblivous to the fact I didn't love her. Betty Crocker was oblivious to the fact I did.

---xxx---

I handwrote a story after really long. It's annoying to retype. Oh and fiction after REALLY long! :O

My Overkill/ Things I've Achieved

Yes, overkill. I 'killed' it a bit too much. I thought embarassment wasn't a word in MY dictionary. Ah, as it turns out, it is, NOW. Grrrr* I'm never getting drunk again. That means if I'm taking shots with you, stop me after my 8th one, please? Oh and no more beers after that either. Thank you.

I was actually excited to be getting drunk for the first on my early surprise party (yes, they DID throw one for me) but then things got a little dirty (other than the fact Appy grabbed my ass, a billion times). So after my 9th shot (I guess), I went outside for a cigarette (it was my pretend birthday, I had to have my last cigarette) and someone dared me to kiss A***** and me being my drunk self, grabbed her face, twice, yeeesh! And then I was like hell yeah! I'm 16 RAWWWR! And kissed Ak**** and after that went crazy kissing everyone there, some people more than once, and including my best friend's boyfriend twice. :| She was pretty drunk herself btw, so she wanted to walk up to me and ask why I kissed him and I grabbed her face too, not that she's annoyed with me right now. So basically I kissed everyone, pretty much, all the sober ones did manage to push me off (I WISH the drunk ones could do that too) and I danced like a crazy bitch (which I can't remember but must have been fun!).

I mean, I'm used to being judged by people, trust me, I am. I'm not the perfect-est thing anyone has ever seen. I have a piercing, smoke(ed), drink (a lot), smoke pot (rarely), oh and like women (too)! :O When does that not get people to talk? I don't mind it, I don't, not one bit. But I was like some fucking crazy woman last night. Unstoppable kissing machine. Urgh, I hate the sound of that. Silently, everyone's judging, I know it, hate it. FUCK! I'm such a whore. I hate alcohol (not really, my beers are safe), I hate humans (they have lips, okay?), I HATE parties (not really but ones with alcohol, which brings be back to point one), I still hate 'rap music' (how is that music anyway?) and racist bastards who got dissinvited from my party (I'm talking about you, you whorefaced cock munching slut!)

And I know, some of you ARE diplomatic AND are trying to make me feel better, trust me, it's not gonna work. I have never been embarassed AND done WHOA amount of shit, yeah? I have pissed a bunch of people off AND the rest are talking about it. I can't even pretend to not care. I wish I could but I can't. I'm stuck venting to my blog. GAH* I wouldn't have posted this really, but there's pretty much nothing else to do and 'no one' else to talk to (I'm so emo now too grrr*). I'm so fucking done man. I'm frigging screwed up, I turned into what I feared, forever. Gee, shoot me, shoot me now (after the post though).

Thing I've Achieved Before 16.

1] Kissed more than three people on the same night.

2] Gotten horribly drunk but not thrown up.

3] Kissed a girl other than A*****

4] Made a blog :P

5] Wrote 8 chapters of a supposed novel.

6] Grabbed 2 people's asses at the same time (read the name of my blog again, please? :P)

7] Smoked a cigar.

8] Learnt 2 foreign languages.

9] Realized that 'love' sucks.

10] Passed my 10th in one go with not bad marks! :O

11] Pierced something other than my ears and nose. (eyebrow)

12] Flashed random people.

13] AWESOME-NESS (not after last night though)

14] Made friends in other cities and/or countries.

15] Fell in 'love' (I still don't know why I always wanted to. Younger me is stupid, as is old me)

16] Realized 'd be nowhere without my friends, family and mostly dog. :) I love you people. :)

P.S- I made a booboo. Sorry about that. I didn't mean for anyone to get irritated, okay? I love you guys. It couldn't have looked cooler (UV lights and all! :D) and I couldn't have had better cake. EEE* :)

P.P.S(which I just added)- I didn't even ask for Dhokla Popcorn... What a waste of drunk! :(

OMG OMG OMG!!!

I think you look supercute here! And plus, my face isn't really there!

This was when I fell in sexxyness for you! :D

^^Why we're perfect together! :) I <3 you!

There's this boy I know. He's funny, charming, adorable and smart. (When does that happen?:O) But one day, he decided that he had to move away. From me. From everyone. And I can say with honesty, I was depressed as hell. Because he was the most amazing I boy I had known. Now the US is like a gazillion miles away so visiting him in the weekends was kinda impossible.

But there was Facebook AND MSN AND Gtalk, right? RIGHT! I realized his true level of awesomeness online! I can say for a fact he's one person I have been far from and close to at the same time! :D I tell him everything. About me, about everything. I adore him, with all my heart. And if (IF) he requires it, I might just give up anything for him. I have a feeling that he tells me everything too (I hope he does, anyway). And I can't wait for him to visit Bbay so we can make sexy, sexy time ( ;) :P )

He's my love, my life, my pretty much everything and I don't know what I could do without him. In fact, I can't even imagine it.

P.S (pun intended)- Today he's17! EEEEEE* My baby's 17! HE'S SEVEN-FUCKING-TEEN! :D

P.P.S- I can't wait for him here, with my Twizzlers! And his... You know what! ;P

P.P.P.S- I know I promised something better, but babe, this is all I can do, remember the thing called a writer's block?

P.P.P.P.S- You shizzle my dizzle! :D

P.P.P.P.P.S- BABE! I LOOOOVE YOU SOOO MUCH!!!

Je t'adore si beaucoup!!! मैं आपसे बहुत प्यार करती हूँ!!!